ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; California GOP gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon’s family investment firm was slapped with a $57 million fine in a corporate fraud verdict. What a big break. Californians may send him to Sacramento just to keep him off Wall Street.
& #149; Mexico’s president Vicente Fox planned to visit the Crawford ranch. Their Senate relaxed its new rule forbidding him from leaving the country. For several months President Fox was the only Mexican who couldn’t freely enter the United States.
& #149; The U.S. agreed to give Uruguay an emergency $1.5 billion loan after rioting and looting broke out in the streets. This inspires a lot of hope. It looks like California is one police beating away from solving its worst budget crisis in history.
& #149; Major League Baseball received a letter signed by 40 Hall of Fame players. It urged management and players to avoid a strike. They would have had 41 signatures but ink freezes at 320 degrees below zero.
& #149; Florida Democrats filed a lawsuit to try to force a change in wording on the ballot for the primary. Right now, the ballot reads Vote for One Pair. The thinking is, Florida Democrats will vote for whoever they want plus Pat Buchanan.
& #149; Saddam Hussein called White House charges that Iraq is hiding nuclear weapons a joke. He knows a joke when he hears one. Radio Baghdad just held a telephone call-in contest for the funniest Saddam Hussein joke and the winner got 40 years.
& #149; Fox News reported that Jane Fonda has signed with a top Hollywood talent agent. She wants to return to the movies. It’s not that she misses acting, it’s just that Ted Turner gave her the entire divorce settlement in AOL Time Warner stock.
& #149; ABC News aired a prime time special that called for legalization of pot. The idea seldom makes it onto statewide ballots. Advocates have trouble collecting enough signatures because they can never remember where they left all the petitions.
& #149; Attorney General John Ashcroft swore an oath that corrupt corporate executives will meet the judgment they fear and the punishment they deserve. That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t have the power to make them go back to their first wives.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
