ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta met with Amtrak’s board of directors to try to avoid a shutdown. The railroad loses two dollars for every dollar it takes in. It’s easily the best-performing company on the NASDAQ this year.
& #149; President Bush announced his plan for Middle East peace. He supported a state for the Palestinians, but they have to renounce terrorism and get rid of Yasser Arafat. That’s a but big enough to cause a double fare on Southwest Airlines.
& #149; Arafat issued a statement saying he thinks President Bush’s speech was a serious effort for Mideast peace and he welcomes it. It sounds like he didn’t hear it. Apparently, all his translators have been hired away by the FBI.
& #149; The New York Times said that Sen. Hillary Clinton has almost finished writing her memoirs, however, her husband’s autobiography is way behind schedule. They work well together. Yesterday they were in the den typing away and she asked him if skirt chaser is one word or two and he asked her if ice queen was hyphenated.
& #149; “Minority Report” is a hit movie about a thought-police department that arrests criminals before they commit the crime. It’s already in use. Three comedians were arrested for just thinking about going back to their pre-war President Bush material.
& #149; President Bush ordered White House employees to join him in the President’s Fitness Challenge Run and Walk. He urged Americans to exercise to improve their health. He’s always trying to point out to Dick Cheney that smart isn’t everything.
& #149; Teamsters’ president Jimmy Hoffa led a labor delegation to the White House to meet with President Bush. They have a lot in common. They were both elected president because people felt so badly about what happened to their fathers.
& #149; NBC News was told by reporter Peter Arnett that everyday business in Baghdad is booming, all the nightclubs and strip joints are jumping, and casinos stay open until dawn. Ever since President Bush named them the Axis of Evil, they have attracted more business than they can handle.
& #149; Middle East violence has gotten way too routine. Just yesterday, one Palestinian woman was overheard asking another Palestinian woman if this bomb makes her look fat.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
