ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Securities and Exchange Commission required hundreds of CEOs to sign their names attesting to the honesty of their numbers. It was humbling. For many of them it was the first time they’ve ever admitted shooting over a 90.
& #149; Colin Powell planned to tell the Earth Summit in South Africa that he’s doing something to prevent global warming. He wakes up every morning and talks President Bush out of nuclear war.
& #149; The Washington Times reported that Democrats are encouraging Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2004. It’s causing quite a buzz. No one wants to say the Republicans know she would win, but they’re already talking impeachment.
& #149; Fox Sports promoted Troy Aikman to the network’s top broadcast team for NFL games this fall. He retired last year from Dallas after eight concussions. His progress in the booth has been rapid, but everyone agrees he’ll need another three or four concussions before he’s as good as Terry Bradshaw.
& #149; Hillary Clinton gave a speech that ripped President Bush for refusing to spend $5 billion allotted by Congress for Homeland Security. She’s coming along. This is the first time she’s ever criticized the president without a lamp in her hand.
& #149; Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan campaigned for Rep. Cynthia McKinney in Georgia and defended her outlandish statements about the Sept. 11 attack. He himself lost four friends that day. There was Abdul, Mohammed, Waleed and Fayez.
& #149; The Houston Texans began play as the 32nd team in the National Football League It’s controversial. Human rights activists argue that the United States does not have enough prison space for another NFL team.
& #149; Ted Williams’ son and daughter sued each other over the slugger’s autographed bats. They’re also quarreling over whether he should be cremated or frozen for future use. The question is, after you have seen Ted Williams’ children, who would want his DNA?
& #149; U.S. Airways filed for bankruptcy protection Sunday and sought wage reductions from unions. It’s a huge mess. With 500 pilots fired at once, it may require an Act of Congress to relieve the overcrowding at the Betty Ford Center.
& #149; Arizona and Nevada voters face a ballot measure in November to decriminalize marijuana use. Backers delivered three times the number of signatures needed. Not every part of the country got the same message when President Bush said “Let’s Roll.”
& #149; Congressman J.C. Watts participated in passing drills with the Washington Redskins. He completed seven passes in a row. He’s not running for re-election so it didn’t hurt him to accidentally tie Bill Clinton’s Oval Office record.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site,www.ArgusHamilton.com
