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Thursday, Mar 28, 2024
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ARGUS

ARGUS

Humor

by Argus Hamilton

& #149; Don Rumsfeld conceded that Iraq could put up stiff resistance in case of war. However, with so many resources, most of the world’s money, and all the world’s big guns, quick victory should be no problem. Just ask the New York Yankees.

& #149; President Bush said Saddam Hussein may attack the U.S. with chemical or nuclear weapons. What a close call. It’s scary to think that a monster like this might have gone totally undetected if election season hadn’t come along just in time.

& #149; The Texas Rangers released relief pitcher John Rocker. This frees him to join the CIA. It’s difficult to admit, but two years ago he was the only person in America who noticed a number of suspicious-looking foreigners in New York.

& #149; Hurricane Lili made landfall and blew northward into the Ohio River Valley after it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Winds were fierce. For several days, Cleveland’s morning newspaper was the New Orleans Times-Picayune.

& #149; The White House urged West Coast longshoremen and management to end the dock shutdown. Republicans can only blame themselves. This strike would have been over by now if Rudy Giuliani hadn’t convicted everybody who had any influence.

& #149; Al-Jazeera played an audio tape of a man identified as Osama bin Laden. He said the White House is filled with Jewish agents. That’s probably not true, but it would explain why no one in Hollywood can get their telephone calls returned.

& #149; President Bush threatened to overthrow Saddam Hussein by force. It simply isn’t necessary. If regime change is the goal, the president should send his economic team to Iraq and in two years they will bring the country to its knees.

& #149; NBC News reports Baghdad allows saloons to stay open around the clock, casino gambling is perfectly legal, and strip clubs stay open until dawn. This explains a lot. Nevada has the same laws and the Republicans are shipping nuclear waste there.

& #149; The Dow Jones gyrated wildly last week as more corporate executives were led away in handcuffs. It’s starting to make everyone sick. Disney World just opened a terrifying new thrill ride called “Mr. Toad’s Seat on the New York Stock Exchange.”

& #149; Al Gore stumped for Massachusetts Democratic governor candidate Shannon O’Brien. He’s determined to win the presidential election next time. To take advantage of Florida’s new touch-screen voting, he’s changing his name to Quick Cash.

& #149; Senator Hillary Clinton went to Los Angeles for a Democratic rally on behalf of California Gov. Gray Davis. They were joined onstage by Martin Sheen of “The West Wing.” It looked like sign-up day for Oval Office Fantasy Camp.

& #149; The Washington Post said that Paul O’Neill, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are each worth between $50 and $100 million. The lucky dogs. Government rules forced them to sell their stocks before they took over the economy.

& #149; Robert Reich lost the Democratic primary for Massachusetts governor, joining Janet Reno and Al Gore in the political graveyard of the last administration’s alumni. They were just too close to Bill Clinton. Hillary didn’t make that mistake.

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