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Thursday, Mar 28, 2024
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BEST OF ARGUS

n The New York Yankees held Opening Day in Yankee Stadium last week. It was memorable. The game was interrupted in the 6th inning when the third baseman’s father showed up and took him back home to Cuba.

n The White House wanted all along to return Elian Gonzales to Cuba. You can’t blame the president. Until the independent counsel closes shop, he will kiss up to any country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.

n Cuban Americans in Miami protested Fidel Castro by pummeling a life-size dummy of him. The dummy was wearing a bra. Normally, when you see a communist leader in a bra, you’re watching a Jane Fonda workout video.

n President Clinton urged Americans Friday to send back the long census form. Many say the questions are too intrusive. For starters, women say it’s none of the president’s business what they like to wear to bed.

n Dallas Cowboys’ Troy Aikman got married last week. He has a bright future in politics. When you’ve been dropped on your head as often as he has, it’s only a matter of time before you’re Vice President of the United States.

n Green Bay Packer Mark Chmura is accused of sex with an underage girl. After the 1997 Super Bowl, he ripped President Clinton for having low morals. Life often imitates art, but more often it imitates Newt Gingrich.

n George W. Bush unveiled what he calls his New Prosperity Initiative. His plan is designed to help poor people get homes and health insurance. Starting next Monday, he will give a poor person away to every $1,000 donor.

n President Clinton was interviewed in the White House by “Titanic” star Leonardo DiCaprio. The difference between them is the president never hit an iceberg. The Secret Service protects the First Lady around the clock.

n The Justice Department forced Time Warner to agree to halt fixing CD prices Monday. They’re also going after Microsoft, tobacco, drug dealers and gunmakers. The idea is to give high school kids nothing to do but study.

n Al Gore told voters Monday he wants campaign finance reform and honest government. The same day George W. Bush said he wants improved education and better test scores. This isn’t a campaign, it’s a self-help book tour.

n Campaign 2000 is the first presidential contest between Baby Boomers. Both candidates admit to past drug use. The only reason they’re running for president is because they couldn’t pass the background check to drive a cab.

n Jesse Ventura began a Draft McCain campaign Monday. The senator won’t say if he will run if he’s drafted, but that’s a proven way to succeed. Bill Clinton ran when he was drafted and wound up with two terms.

n Bill Gates is starring in TV commercials aimed at boosting Microsoft’s company image. When these TV ads first started airing Friday, American viewers all had the same reaction. We thought Steve Forbes was back in the race.

n Rep. Patrick Kennedy is accused of assaulting a female employee at Los Angeles Airport. She says he grabbed her shoulders, spun her around and shoved her. It’s the airport’s fault for playing tango music with a Kennedy in the terminal.

Hamilton is the host of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.

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